The days

Continuing the story

2006-07-19T03:09:00.000-07:00

This is a continuation of the story written by ziyang available at
Ziyang's Blog and also Zente's Blog And of course, you might want to visit the last of my blog here.Um..no love stories there.

This music goes well with the plot, so you might want to listen to it as you read.

六个月后

男

六个月。这一段时间说长不长，说短不短。他找到了工作，也在一个没有她的世界开始了新的生活。他尝试过放弃她，希望能借这段她在国外的时间把它给忘了。每当他看到一对对情侣打情骂俏的样子，他便幻想着终于有一天能和她在一起。

咳，我到底在想什么啊？想也没用，他走了！！Dude, forget her!

可说道容易，做道难。四年深深的友谊，他哪可能说忘就忘。有些时候他告诉自己，如果真的喜欢她，就因该祝福她。只要能看到她幸福快乐，就算在她身旁的不是自己也无所谓。有人说爱与被爱是世界上最美好的，可他却只求能永远爱她

他也常问自己是否能够一辈子就这样默默的守护着她，看着她快快乐乐的和另一个人共度终生？从他们告别的那天起，心中的矛盾就这样纠缠着他。

天啊！我到底该怎么做事好。我干吗老是这么优柔寡断？我还算得上是男人吗？

过了那么久，他仍然无法摆脱心中的困扰。只是一直把它给抛到脑后，尽量不去想。可这一天，他再也没有逃避的退路了。

手机响起，有封间讯。着么会？竟然是她？这么久没见到她，对她思念的情感一时间洪水泛滥般的流露。他的眼眶亮了。

Hey! How have you been? I haven’t heard from you for months!! I just got back to Singapore. =>

Really? That’s wonderful. You never said you were coming back.

Well that’s because you never called nor SMS me at all. I thought you disappeared!! >(

I am sorry, I’ve been busy lately. That’s why.

Oh really? Anyway, let’s meet up this weekend.

不成！这是约会吗？他愣了，脑袋一片空，不知道该怎么回答。他的确是很想念她，也很想和他见面。可是。。。就是这么一个空当的可是。。。

Hmm…I am sorry, I am busy this weekend as well. Don’t think I can make it.

Is that so? What are you busy with….hey…are you avoiding me? 就这样一针见血地把他给说中了。

What’s wrong dude?我究仅在逃避什么？

I am sorry…

That’s the third time you said sorry in 5 mins. I don’t care. See you this sat at coffeebean paragon.3pm. I will make you really sorry if you are late.

就这样，他坐在沙发上想了一整个晚上。这是机会吗？与其在这段暧昧的关系中纠缠，不如大胆的跨出这一步，勇敢地向他告白。不行，万一他对我毫无感觉，自是纯粹的友谊那以后怎么办？又是一个结不开，让大懊恼的结。

星期六

终于到了星期六那一天。他心里也不知道是期待，还是犹豫。不能不去，这样一来她一定会很失望。他也下定了决心，不能再像以前那样妞妞赫赫。今天，就是他向她告白的日子。

约好在咖啡厅，他们就像回到了大学时期，尽情地说着说着。然后。。。

“有一件事我一直藏在心里，没有像你表白”

“什么事？”

“。。。我。。。其实我。。。”

“你老是这个样子，讲话吞吞吐吐的。有话就说嘛。”

她说得对。好！把握机会说啊：“其实我我喜欢你，第一次和你见面就开始喜欢上你了。我一直以为，能一直当你最好的朋友，默默的守护你就够了。可是我压抑不了对你的感觉。。。我。。。对不起”

他大胆的告白，让她愣了。那双可爱迷人的眼睛，就这样注射着他。

她的沉默也让他又开始胡思乱想：“我是不是说错话了。不。我心里怎么想，就怎么说。你说话啊。说你对我也有所感觉。。。我想太多了吧。。。”

她低下了头，似乎想隐满脸上的表情。长长的头发，紧贴在稀薄的双唇，美的如此不藏风尘。以往他们两人总是有说有笑的。如今彼此之间的沉默，使气氛显得十分尴尬。

她呆了好久，什么也没说。可最后还是露出了一个勉强的微笑，然后说道：“你又来了，每次有事没事的就爱说对不起。咳，算了。你说你最近很忙，到底在忙些什么？有没有想我？怎么没有跟我联络？你知道吗，美国可好玩。。。” 她就这样说着说着，一瞬间说了那么多，但却完全没有对他的表白有所回因。

他的心开始下雪了。。好冷。。“这，就是你沉默的拒绝吗？”

Girl

It has been six months since she left for the states. A new environment, a life that was totally different. She was never the type who assimilates into new environments easily.

It reminded her of the days when she first went to the local university. But back then, there was him. He was always there by her side, always there to pick her up and encourage her in whatever she did. A listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. He was the greatest gift in her life.

All this while, she wondered if her feelings were one sided. They were the best of friends, and yet it seemed like there was something beyond that sphere of friendship; something more beautiful beyond that non-existent boundary, just waiting for someone to take the first step. The same question had bugged her since day one: Beyond this friendship, is there love?

For so long, she had waited. And it seems the only answer she ever got was his perpetual care and concern. The day she left for the states, she felt she finally got her answer. She had to move on.

That’s when she met Zach. They stayed in the same apartment and had much to share over the six months. And who is to say that true love can never be moved. Living under the same roof does make magic. Zach has always been frank about his feelings for her and over time, she too had a crush for him.

So she asked “What about him? Why do I still miss him then? What about Zach. I do like him. Gosh? Is this really possible? Maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe we were not meant to me. Why hasn’t he contacted me for months? Is he already with someone else? Maybe…Maybe…” a million uncertainties.

Saturday Afternoon

Coffebean is crowded as usual. He still remembers her favourite drink. Yes, without the whip cream. He knew her so well. Everything about her, even the finest details seem second nature to him. Thay started chatting. About the good old days, of the time they first met, the grueling hours spent studying together at Macs and the Graduation Ball. And then he fell silent. He looked like there is something he desperately wants to say.
n
“What is it? Is it about us?” she thought, praying and yet dreading to find out.

There is something I have been waiting to tell you.

“What is it?”

“I….I..er..actually”

“There you go again. If there is something you want to say, go ahead.”

“To be honest with you, I have had these feelings for you since day one. I always thought that by being your best friend on earth, there is nothing more I can ask for. I just can’t hide these feelings anymore. I..er…I am sorry. ”

She was stunned. Everything came crashing down on her in an instance. She wanted to cry but she did not know if it was sadness or joy. Once, she was confused. Now, she felt lost. Do you know how long I have been waiting to hear you say such words? Why do you only tell me how you feel when it’s all too late? Could it be true that it takes more than mutual love for relations to take flight? Why do you confess only when there is already someone else in my heart? What am I to do now?

“That is so You! You really love to apologize for nothing. Hey what have you been busy with? So busy you couldn’t give me a call? Did you miss me? The states is great fun…” and she went on an on, saying nothing at all.

Her heart sank. A million bubbles of hopes she long held burst into tears. “Are we really not meant to be?”

2006-01-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

I tried to adhere to the rules. Of nothing but making her happy. What set out to be a casual crapping session turned into a heavy conversation. Geez, wonder how she is feeling. Hope she is not feeling sucky cos of that. Hope Gerald makes her smile. Kaoz. Why am I so nice. Always say things that I don't understand and then DC on me.
Well...I tried to resolve it before she flew back again but she kept avoiding the topic. Now it all happens again with us in two seperate land. Singapore is an island....And then she suggest we continue with the once condemned pact. She says "to sort ourselves out", but ya know girls never mean what they say, its an age old fact. I guess she meant " keep trying to get over it ". Well ironically, those were quite my exact thoughts last september. I proposed it and went along with the terms with much finese. But those days were indeed terrible because I was acting against what I really felt. Now I am indeed quite reluctant to resume it. But since its her will, I shall do just that.
Not surpirsing, her blog is no longer active because I know of its existence. Even if she writes, its all for show and I guess the contents will not be deeply rooted in her heart, like it was. So what do I do now, the pact my way?If she wants to sort out her feelings, she will have to reach it like she did a couple of months back. That means, things will have to be as per the last time. At least thats how I see it.But, what if I put her through the same shit all over again. Haiz...decisions decisions decisions.I guess thats the way it has to be. Do her will, so long as she is happy. Real amazing thing is how she is contradicting all that she said that night. So who do I believe now? The one who was trying to bring across and idea to me just now, or the one who was almost crying on 27th Dec.Hmm....For the third time, I wonder where the good luck charm is. Hope it does bring good luck. OK the pact is back and I hope she will be just fine. She knows she can end it by simply saying so.
Sheesh..a promise is a promise and I have to abide by it. Getting over her ain't easy man. Spent almost a year trying and when I almost totally believed in my lie, all efforts when down the drain.I feel bad now, because I am adopting an almost nonchalant attitude. That forms part of the reason why I am willing to go along with the pact this time round. I am sorry for being selfish. If 4 years later, feelings remain unchanged then too bad. Again, life is too short to think about everything, somethings are better left ignored.
QiuJuan was saying I am not quite Kelvin anymore. Hmm.. thats actually very true. I think I have changed alot these days due to many things and many people around me. Remember how neither Zen nor Zon were complete but they complement each other. I think I am heading in that direction, for good. And of late, I have totally tarnished to image of this blog. Its meant to carry a deep serious tone to depict Zon's character. But I can't do it cos I am no longer like that. Infact, Zon's book " The days " can be considered closed quite some time ago. I think I should move on with the series and attract a new host of readers. Haha.

2006-01-12T08:46:00.000-08:00

Pardon me zente, for my vision is coloured by the shadows of hatred.
Forgive me for bearing single minded opinions.
I lack both the ability to think without care for feelings
and the love to look beyond my narrow sight.
Zente has two sides and I saw only the image of destruction and not the host of delivery.
I am far from what I wish I could attain.

Enough

2006-01-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

Enough is really enough. Enough means that it has to come to and end. Enough of all this nonsense. Enough of all this speaking in the refined tone like Zon. Enough for tolerating this despicable and unacceptable absurb attitude. Why did I fail the last time.

I went to the market with my sister this morning. Last night, I heard my dad's revelation of tears over how my mother, no that ccb, have been oppressing my sister. And I wonder, how on earth does a girl like my sister deserve such a life. Tell me, how many girls at the age of 18 actually knows the people at the market. How many actually have ever step foot into a wet market before. How many can actually tolerate being screwed from day to night daily to satisfy the fury of a maniac. And she tolerates while my dad watches in tears and I keep my heartbreak mumb. Without her, there is always laughters and joy among the 4 of us. One bitch screws up my family. I wish she get struck by lighting. None will understand this madness unless he goes through it personally. Trust me...

And so much for talking about love.All I conjure when i step home to this madness is my cruel, defiant and unimaginable hatred. Have I been reduced to her standards. Curse me if I have.

Of siblings and parenthood

2006-01-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

In SOTL, Zen won over the lives of his parents. He ended his prized winnings with a slit of the throat. The question is: for what purpose was such an acted performed. We do know that there were major conflicts within the family and acts of violence were thus well innoculated in their upbringing.Still, its totally wrong and unthinkable for the twins to commit murder through such morbit means. Its just not their style. In later events, we see them delivering their preys though temptations and mental breaks. They coercion their targets to eventual suicide. Thats their style. My guess is, at the age of 6, both zen and zon were too young and thus the only means they could manage was direct murder. This is totally unacceptable because of the lack of style and finese.

Or was it because it was too difficult to force suicide out of both pop and mom, considering the circumstances then? It is indeed difficult to do so, or at least when I had my share of an attempt, it didn't quite work out. Infact, even when the conditions such as the mental state of the subject is favourable to commiting such an act, making one end his or her life isn't an easy task.

It was January 2004. I returned home with everything planned out. From the first step of inducing a hightened state of anxiety, to the intermitten play of mind and then the final blow, I had it all rehearsed. It all went well initially. My mother plunged into a state of mental breakdown, made rather obvious by her irrational speech, uncontrolled tone and behaviour. She did claim that she will commit suicide eventually. I thought I have done the job. But truth is, it remained a claim. Making her generate such a thought of suicide was only part of it. When she left home for a week. I couldn't help but believe that she had actually went along with suicide. Much to my dismay, it didn't fall through. I believe fear - of death - was the major obstacle. In her mind it was probably all go, but fear held her back. Do note that fear of death is quite the opposite of the desire to live.

Had my plan fall though then and there, without later interruption from my father, things would be all fine by now. I reckon that it will take a week for us to get use to managing the daily chores without and additional burden around. A month or two to tide through the emotional setback from the lost of a parent is quite realistic. Two years later in the present, there will not be a resurface of the problem, no, the infestation. Considering her age of 54 now, it will be another decade till her pity life expire on her. 5 yrs for elyse and me to step into our individual lives, seperate from my mom's destructive presence.But i have my youngest sister to worry about.

I have long went beyond hatred for the witch. At the present moment, I feel myself falling beyond despise as well. Its becoming impossible to conjure a word to depict my intense negative impression of her. A person like her, who blatently defies human social behaviour and even the most natural of inate maternal love, should not exist at all. Not as a living being, not as an entity and infact not at all in any form. What now? Guide me Zente, like you guided zen and zon who were the shepherds of your religion.

Boring day

2006-01-09T07:43:00.000-08:00

What a boring day. I woke up, and its all shine. It stopped raining somewhere between 4am and dawn. How accurate can I get. Geez. And the day crept on with a boring momentum of lifelessness.

I tried studying but could only last 25mins through my sister's economics notes. Should have brought my forbes, men's health and essence of style back. So I tried to level up in maple instead. I can't believe I am actually playing such a kiddish game

Haiz..sigh...Sentosa tomorrow? Somehow I wish it just rain the whole day instead.Bah bah...black sheep...have you any wool.

Raining

2006-01-08T05:17:00.000-08:00

Blogging is a total waste of time if not for the fact that it is part of the 3rd concern in my life. It is Sunday, 8th December 9.24pm Singapore time. The past 24hrs have crawled by at an infinitely slow pace, much to my delight.
As if to mimic my mood, its has been raining for more than a day.I am no poet, but this short period of time felt like forever. Forever in a past tense. It will eventually stop raining unless there is some kind of magic. I wish it rain forever. But wishes are wishes. Unless I topple the hourglass, the sands of time will keep flowing by and the non-persistent shall change.
Zon says life is too short to think about everything. Some things are better left for the heart to feel than for the mind to rationalise. True. Still there is a time for those that are beautiful to come to pass. What can one do to keep things in a state of stasis, of forever, without the past present and the future.
Zon has been missing for 2 weeks, since christmas eve. Has anyone seen him? He left a CD of the song Promise Me by Beverly Craven. It bears his handwriting. I wonder what kind of fantasy drove him to write something for himself. He wished he heard these words from someone?

You light up another cigarete and
I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light now
I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night

You look like you're in another world
but I can read your mind
how can you be so far away
lying by my side
when I go away
I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

When I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon.

-Zen

KTG

2006-01-07T07:42:00.000-08:00

I was tossing in bed, thinking of my recent decadence. I couldn't sleep, until I reach a conclusion that I should start living like I did in those JC days. I set fresh piorities for myself and vowed to abide by the rule of three. There will only be three things in my life that is worthy of concern. I shall not care about anything that falls beyond that.They are as follow:

1. Social Standing
2. Career
3. Secret

You know what KTG means? KTG means you know what you want and you set forth to conquere. Nothing is unattainable so long as you have the determination to achieve. When have I failed?

Title? What title?

2006-01-06T07:14:00.000-08:00

Why does each blog entry have to come with a title? Can I just ignore it for once? I think I just did.

Its friday night and I wonder why I am at home, alone with men's best friend -drinks.(note the oxymoron) Somehow, I am beginning to dread the days. Seems like everything is a bore. I believe that at this point of time, many of my buddies are eagerly looking forward to ORD. Its quite different for me, ORD isn't even significant. Ever raised the question "so what?". Public opinion will yield words like:you don't have to be in camp, freedom, pink IC, don't you wish you were out, etc. I really don't think ORD changes things that much. Its not like we are still in crew cut, with severly restricted social life. We have so much time at home we sometimes find it boring we rather book in to crap with our bros. We have fun in our bunks. We hang out in town as and when we like, well almost. How much difference does ORD really makes to our lives.

Rather, I feel that its the little things we do day-in-day-out that really moulds us. Imagine talking about nothing but games and trash. What good does it make? Such conversations are simply a waste of time and are practically useless. Imagine having fun everyday hanging out, watching movies, playing -gosh- lan games and the like. Meaningful? How about reading, learning something new, venturing the unknown, sports or just simply sweat it out. Much better isn't it?

I should really get things back on track. Those days when I was focused, I was really driven. But now...what do I have? Some good friends, respectable qualifications, some penny in my pocket and...what else? Feels like something is missing. There is nothing to look forward to. Is there?

Its almost saturday, and then it will be sunday already.

Yesterday and today

2006-01-04T03:43:00.000-08:00

Yes I understand that that is the title of a Jap Song. Not that it has any relevance, but I just find it a fitting title for this entry. There have been quite alot of ups and downs in my life lately but seems like I am tiding through it pretty well. I thank all the people around me, my friends for everything.

I came back slightly short of twelve last night and got a sms from peiting. Qiu Juan was online talking to me and so was guojun. Wong was talking about how friendships fade and I was telling him that when he starts studying in Germany, he will see things getting alot worse.Yuwen, on the other hand was running to me for help, claiming her fears for the challenges in the year ahead. I then start to think, friends do make your life beautiful. Think of all the times there is someone for you to reach out to for emotional comfort. It will be scary to have no one there. I am lucky.

I had a good start for the morning, and went for brunch with `rain. Went to cosy corner at coro and visited several memory checkpoints from JC days. I said "time flies", and true it is. It has been four years since first 3 months, 4 yrs since I know her. Its amazing how our friendship have developed to this present stage. Its beautiful, yet scary. Scary because no one can ever be too sure how things will change.

"Try as we might, things may never be the same as it is today" how true...

Then evening came with some light shower which soon developed into quite a heavy rain. Peiting was asking for my address in order to mail me something. I though it was quite dumb so we ended up meeting for dinner instead. I must say I am really touched. It was really nice of her to draw a bday card with my name made in the form of a star. I was taken aback. Honestly, we have not been close these days. Maybe the recent christmas party at judy's house reminded us that four years back, we were very good friends. And so I wonder, what will it be like four years from now. Will someone I treasure so dearly today be yet another "long time friend"?

~Interval shower and thinking~
"Life is too short to brood over all this, live for the moment and be happy"
"I think it depends on whether there is effort put in"
"Maybe its a second chance"

Yeah, it is true that I have seen friendship strengthening over the past four years. It is no proof, or so I hope, that this is the peak. That this bond will soon deteriorate. On the other hand, it is hardly any edvidence that in time to come, this friendship will become even stronger. I believe its up to the individual to keep it going and growing.

Maybe it is just human nature that we soon forget those whom we held by closely as our soul mates. That friends drift apart eventually due to social constrains. Even married couples can break up. Siblings...well, thats quite close to forever. But, are we gonna give in? I think the memories that we once share with our dear is a good reason for us NOT to give in and fight fiercely for relations to last as long as possible.

Five years back, who was so inseperable from you you said you will be friends forever. How is it now?

Carpe Diem

2005-12-31T07:42:00.000-08:00

..I won't say that I totally believe in such a philosophy. Living for the moment can stretch to some undesirable ends.However, for the moment, it proves useful in removing the "haiz" element in my life. Comparing this space with zen's blog, I must say that his entries are largely painted with emotions. Mine carries a more serious tone, or so it used to.It is beginning to bear some resemblance.
Accoring to my seiko, its another 12 minutes to midnight. Who would be the first? Not quite like me to enjoy blessings of happy birthdays.Tsst. Anyway, I did started off the day with a great amount of energy. Thinking of how I can actually work towards some achievements. Guess what, it was a business plan that woke me up. I was thinking of how I can make use of my contacts overseas to deal a solid punch in establishing myself...But soon, I was thinking of her again. I have crossed the time limit of 2 days. Must admit I was kinda feeling blue initially. An honest piece of my uncensored mind has this:
I didn't really want the pact to materialise this time. It was so much harder to swallow for a number of reasons. No words of affirmation if good enough for me to assume she will be happy. On top of that, I think I have really really learnt to appreciate her.The real reason, I can't bear to do it. Just can't...
Well..its 12...damn I am 20 what the...
But really. Yar..like Tanya chua is singing on national tv now. "What are you waiting for?" I think what I have seen in wallaby is prove enough that life is fragile. So why not enjoy the moment while she is here. Live for the moment till the feeling fades such that it is prove I don't have the blessings of destiny. But hack. Thats far too serious for something really simple. Its not that difficult to be happy and make her happy. Just think of table hockey.

~Wonder who is your little prince...Must be a very cute fox~

Jumpstart

2005-12-30T06:02:00.000-08:00

If there is one way of describing myself, the workings of an internal combusion engine probably suits me just fine. Feels like my pistons have ran out of timing and clashed. The result, an engine that has ran out of steam.
But fret not. I am not a gonner. This is just a temporary state of stasis.I don't even have to believe in it because I just know it. Soon, I will be all fired up again and running 220kph at gear 5. I must admit that I am truly grateful for having friends around me, who are sending seemingly meaningless msn pop-ups to my computer screen. Their words are cheerful and energetic, with a tincture of male naughtiness. They remind me who I am: their friend Kelvin. Someone who claims he is as constant as the northern light. The one who always knows what is best and whats not. The one who sometimes decides swiftly, and sometimes waste hours poundering over solutions. They remind me that I take pride in my social standing and view myself as the alpha. Who cares about what others think. At this very moment, I can feel my ego taking form again, like the foam on top of a glass oh Heineken. Arh... Beer. Man's best friend?
There is no cause for worries. I am not drowning myself in sorrow. Beer is just a celebration of life. I choose to think of it as the hallmark of the carpe diem mentality. There is no solution at the bottom of that beer mug, just a moment of happiness. Thats enough, even if you neglect the vitamin B, the alcohol which promotes blood circulation and the carbohydrates that helps recover a sense of general well-being.
The time is up. For 4 days, I have been in a dazy state of disillusion. Now its time to spring back into life. Someone once said I am mean to even myself, setting a time limit to my feelings. I maintain that it is actually better this way. Life goes on, and with the new year only 26 hours away, its time for new year's resolution.

1. Forget the fact that I am turning 20 and believe that I am still 18.
2.Begin learning my 4th language. Arabic was my third though I didn't excel in it.
3.Achieve a respectable social standing in my new school.
4.Visit Tibet
5.Double my net worth.
6.Be happy.
7. Bring happiness to the one angel in my life.

What is it that I have never achieved before? Except the BMW at 18.Damn I want a BMW... Boys are boys. Toys, girls,...toys.

Shooting stars

2005-12-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

..actually don't work. I have wished upon at least a dozen of them for the same one wish. But sadly, it never worked. So much for trying, but I wish I was as resolute as before.There was a time when I scorn upon wishes. Then, it was my conviction that only actions work. I could have been firmer when I laid upon my BX, scanning the sea of stars for the streak of light that marks a shooting star. I remember the night with Nick at the outcrop of rocks, tracing out orion. That was November, when someone was hurting and I totally did not know. I thought, in childhood fantasy, that someone would see the same shooting star and receive my prayers.

And so Yuwen was correct. She said I sounded weak. But time have made me realise that strength is meaningless without courage.Resilience: The ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change. Word for the day. The kick to start off tomorrow like a newborn. Where is the Atheist in me? The Roman general who had stregth. The non believer who always knows whats best.

I was doing all fine when someone else wasn't. The knowledge for which shakes me to sink into a dark age? Haha. Hell no.Guess the old rule applies. Two days to spring back into rythm and live like the champion again. It just drives me. Plus now, I secretly know that I am never alone.

This thought came to me when I was searching for my afternoon nap. When you go though pain, there is a point when even your heart gets numb. And so you say in challenge, come what may.Nothing stops me. Nothing stop us. Nothing gets in our way. It feels like its beyond all emotions.

When i finally read it

2005-12-27T11:58:00.000-08:00

.. the blog that i have been secretly searching for the past year. The blog which I didn't know for sure exist. Yes I found it. And every word makes my heart ache in guilt for what I have caused.
(This active voice writing style brings back memories of zen's blog) I cannot help but imagine how you felt while typing away.

I will fly to you when you need me. Tear down every nickname or words which you dislike. I will write every single day as long as there is a comp around me and spill every minute of my boring day.

I live in memories too. Memories of you and me. Of us. I have never been more honest with you nor myself before. But tonight, the words just come flowing even though I was so lost. You believe in destiny. If this is a trick destiny is playing upon us, it is one nasty trick.I wish everyday was like the first day we saw each other.And while my words begin to lose coherence, my heart has found a path thats lighted. From here onwards, in this journey that I wish will last a lifetime, you words will lead me and I will do anything. Nothing is worth more than this.

The 40 steps to your doorstep have left their footprints in my heart, never to be washed away by any waves. I just pray, to whom i know not, that you sleep with a smile tonight, free from emotional whirlpool I have sent you into.

Why this nasty trick upon us... ...

Food for though.

2005-12-21T06:44:00.000-08:00

It is almost christmas. Season of joy (my sister is disturbing my flow of thoughts...), giving, love, etc., you name it. Magically, the festive season brings along a subtle feeling of despair, like the after-taste of peach in a scarlett o'hara. It starts with a christmas carol, a reminder that it is almost january again. Then a tinge of loneliness sinks in as you recall a simple 'hihi' ; a casual knock on the door a night ago. Or did it knock on the heart?

The Australia trip had cost me a great deal, in terms of daily habits. My daily work out routine is no where in sight these days. All it takes is one day of slacking off to blow away the momentum. As for my reading, I am having difficulty keeping up, partly due to succumbing to the simple pleasures of life. Games games and more games, what good do they do anyway. An overdose of it probably demeans whatever credit it claims for being a form of relaxation. What now? New year resolutions?

Poems

2005-12-19T09:38:00.000-08:00

Been writing pictorial poems lately. Definitely more interesting than blogging.Check out
Here

Zen

2005-12-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

There is always some point in time when you feel that the world is collapsing. When everything seems wrong. You can't conjure the words to express yourself and all you have is a vengeful spirit. You want to shout it out but you can't. You don't know what is wrong. Correction! You know what is wrong but you simply don't understand it. The stupiest insignificant events are sending you into a whirlpool. All of it doesn't make sense. You start to wonder how things can go so wrong. It feels like a nightmare. All you need to is to wake up.
The mediocre cries in suffering. I hear a distant calling. A sudden urge to reside in the devil seeps in. Human nature plays upon my mine. A desire for strength in the wake of confusion overcomes me. The devil in me awakes.Zen.

There is so much to say...

2005-11-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

...that I don't know how i should start. Its will take forever for me to express the emotional ups and down of one tiring month. If there is one word to describe it all, its the word "complex". Emotions are complex.

Last night

2005-10-30T08:33:00.000-08:00

...before I fly off. I have had my share of supper, my sidecar and all the time I want with my sisters. Now I have all the time left for myself. I thought I should blog on such a special night. In absolute term, there is nothing special really. But when I do put my heart to feel the moment, it does feel special.

Somehow, I can't seem to conjure my words into this blog tonight. Probably because of the restrictions I have imposed. Now I think I understand why there is a saying that guys who blog are pathetic. Hmmm....Whatever, anyway I am losing interest in this. Sometimes its easier to share stuff with friends directly.

Should my interest continue, this space will...

Thoughts

2005-10-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

Thoughts, volatile moments of our mind that sprouts from creativity, logic or beliefs. Such wonderful things aren't there? Yet they can be scary too. I have been thinking much lately, a result of stepping out of my life momentarily to take a good look of myself and the world around me.

I was with my mom and both my sisters. For the first time ever, i realised my sisters were almost equally tall despite their age difference, I remember both of them smiling out of great fun over a simple dinner. I had a great time with them that night. I am gonna be away for some time so I hope they will be all fine. Hmm...Time is never enough. Maybe I should send her to school tomorrow morning.

I thought about some of the people around me. Thought about how I have been a real bastard. Out of a new perspective, I also saw how I have been a nice friend. There were tough times and days that were sweet like wine.

Tonight it is raining again. I am enjoying it as usual. Its adds a unique kind of coolness to the night and the soft music of raindrops brings out the quietness of the night. The perfect time for a romantic rendezvous with someone special. Also, the perfect time to be all alone in my bedroom accompanied by music and thoughts.

Remember how Zen likes to sit alone and stare into space? I don't think he is really alone. There must have been someone accompanying him. At least he is with himself altogether.

Syndrome

2005-10-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

There is nothing paranormal about it. The Alien Hand Syndrome is a clinically proven medical disorder which results in involuntary movements of the upper limbs. It is typically associated with lesions within the corpus collasum. Though much similar to normal spasm, the range of motion is much more varied. These extends from simple slapping motions to more intricate movements of individual fingers.

Alien hand syndrome: The feeling that one's hand is possessed by a force outside of ones control. The syndrome typically arises after trauma to the brain, after brain surgery or after a stroke or an infection of the brain. A person with the alien hand syndrome can feel sensation in the affected hand but thinks that the hand is not part of their body and that they have no control over its movement, that it belongs to an alien.
Different types of brain injuries cause different subtypes alien hand syndrome. For example, take an injury to the corpus callosum (the area of the brain which connects the two cerebral hemispheres, the two halves of the brain). Such an injury in a right-handed person can give rise to purposeful movements of the left hand, while injury to the brain's frontal lobe of the brain can trigger grasping and other purposeful movements in the dominant right hand. More complex hand movements such as unbuttoning or tearing of clothes are usually associated with brain tumors, aneurysms or strokes.

It was about 1230 1245, half an hour since I turn into bed. My mind was still very active when I tried to put myself to sleep. A weird sensation in my right forearm set me awake. My eyes were dreadry and half open when I saw my right arm erected. My muscles were tensed up and my palm wide open with stiff fingers. The sight shocked me. My first sensible train of though told me that it was some kind of a cramp, but it felt totally different from the usual leg cramps accompanied by extreme pain. Furthermore, the left arm under my pillow (a typical habit of mine) was beginning to experience some kind of spasm. Hy heart was gripped my paranormal fears until I kind of remember the condition I have heard of in earlier days - the alien hand syndrome. I squeezed my right hand in a pumping motion to test if it was still within voluntary control. Yes it was and I quickly locked my hands under the pillow. I pressed the back of my head down hard when I felt my hands jerk.

I woke up in the morning and immediately tried to rationalise the midnight encounter. Gui Yar Shen , dreams, spasms, spirits were just some of the thougths that crossed my mind. My scientific mind got the better of me as I always choose not to believe in ghosts anyway. What I knew for sure was that it was definitely not a dream. You do not experience REM sleep (dream) until at least 3 hours from the time you fall asleep. Even if you were dreaming and acting out your dream, you will be totally unaware of it.

Explanation: When you are in REM sleep, your body is paralysed. When you act out your dream, it is because part of your brain "awakes" and allows voluntary movement.You do not experience consciousness and as a result, memories do not form. You can't even see yourself acting out whatever motions there are because your eyes are locked in picturing the products of your Medulla Oblangta. This proves totally incoherent with my experience.

I probably can't classified it as AHS because the movements of my right forearm were not elaborate. Severe spasm might prove to be a better description for my experience. But still its really scary when you wake up to see that part of your body is actually moving beyond your control. It feels alien. And there are cases in which people grab their own neck and strangles themselves in the deep of the night. Imagine waking up in panic, only to be sent back to eternal sleep with minutes or seconds.

You thought backward masking was Satanic? Quite the contrary. Zon discovered this technique in an attempt to establish communication with Nikoladyse. How this is possible isn't far from imagination. You just need ad open mind to recognise the scientific nature instead of condemning it from a religious perspective. Think again.

Losing it

2005-10-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

Its always true that with time, passion fades. Then comes the problem, of not being able to perform. You review the good old days when your passion drives you and keep you focused, only to realise how much you have detiorate. Then, you were firm and sturdy. Now, you shake and give way to things you said you won't allow. Are you a wuss, or just a victim of disinterested comformity?

I was up all night, dutifully ensuring things go smoothly at the vehicle shed. The night is serene, with an occasional drizzle that adds a smoothing touch to the atmosphere. The guards are prowling, because my eyes are fixed on them. When I so much as look away for a minute, I come back to find them sleeping. Its a pain in the neck and plain irritating. Its 4am in the morning and my eyes are drooping. I put Yeltsin's bibliography aside and took a stroll around the shed to keep myself awake, only to find the two prowlers sleeping on the ramp. See the difference?

I can feel the blood rush in me as I ready myself to unleash a series of scoldings. Yet, something holds me back, like a reluctant arm of hell unwilling to let loose its grip. They deserve to be hang. Why bother? Now I understand with a clearer head. Its me, loosing grip-of my mind and will.

Few know what actually happen after Zon graduated with his Masters. It seem there is a 6 years gap his his recorded chronicles. The tormented young man led a life of seclusion for 5 whole years in an unknown mental institute. Little is known about his life during this period of time. Was he insane? Definitely not. There are reasons to believe that he chose to spend these precious years learning. An account by one the the nurses claimed that he spent a great due of time associating with savants. Among whom, his closest companion was a Russian named Nikoladyse. Nikoladyse suffered from chronic pseudo-consciousness. A condition in which the patient constantly experiences double reality, peering deep into the roots of consciousness. Such patients are unable to communicate through speech. It appears that as time passed by, Nikoladyse condition improved drastically and even aquired some form of communication skills (There are evidence that Zon devised a method of communicating with him using tape recorders). TBC...

The old man

2005-10-09T05:44:00.000-07:00

I step out of the bus and embarked on the familiar route home. Exiting the air-conditioned environment of the bus made me realise how hot the afternoon was. The old man, stood resting against a bike, His ebony black skin glistening with sweat.

As i walked towards him, I observed him. His eyes turned and fixed on me. I knew he was gonna make a move, its just a matter of time. He stopped me and spoke in fine english "excuse me do you speak english" I thought i should just say "no" to him in mandarin, but i said "yeah" instead. He explained how he was trying to take a bus to woodlands and I told him how there is no bus and that he need to take a train. He looked suspicious as i continued to stare at him. Maybe there really is a bus. Two bucks, not too much to ask for, but his reason is not quite worth it. "I had no change" I gave him an excuse. He said he would follow me to a shop nearby to change. To hell with it, he was polite anyway, so I took out my wallet and dug out some coins. He said thank you a couple of times "don't know whether you are a christian but god bless you".
Damn, whats with me why did I give in anyway. "I don't believe in giving or receiving help" wasn't that the way to go.

I remember that good things happen to those who do good deeds. It better be. Something good better befall me. What puzzles me is, have I really changed that much?

It happened on a cold and dark winter night. Zen was walking around town. No one knows what deed he has in those dark alleys. "Hold me..." someone cried. Zen turned towards the old beggar. An old rugged face, all cuddled up in a torn and dirty piece of blanket. "Hold me" he cried again. Zen bent down and took a long hard look at the man. He was coughing rather badly and mucus was dripping off his nose. Zen noticed a syringe lying on the floor "A drug addict hmmf poor old man" There was nothing but silence between the refined young man and the poor beggar. His lips moved. Zen expected it, "heeelp me" he muttered in a half dead tone. He picked up the syringe and pulled the pistoned. "You are already a dead man" he said as he poked the needle up the old man's artery. "Thank you...", the old soul seemed relieved as zen pumped the deadly dose of air into him.

I wonder, what's he doing. Did zen went to look for him intentionally? What is this, mercy killing? Or just a cruel and sick act?

404 File not found

2005-10-08T03:01:00.000-07:00

For the hundredth time, the same page appeared. So zen's blog is gone for good? Has it vanished from the surface of the internet? It doesn't exist anymore.The relief is, I can still read through the individual entries through blogspot. Meaning, it only exist in my world... Sad.

I woke up this morning at around 11 with a wide smile. I was happy about the morning rain. The melody of the torrents brought me back from my dreams. I thought "What a beautiful way to start a day". Mom was sleeping in my room...again...but who cares, she is fast asleep. So I slide the window wide open, lie down on my bed and enjoyed. Spectecular, beautiful and amazing.

I reached home at around 645 in the morning. The early birds were already chirpping away, people were jogging in the park and tai-ji lessons have started. Everyday life in such peaceful serenity of a saturday morning. My stomach was feeling a little gaga (ah found a meaning for this word), thanks to the overdose of alcohol from the previous night. I was at the armour worspec night hosted at neptune restaurant. The function was grand though it falls short compared to any JC prom. But its different anyway so nobody really cared. The food was decent while the show was impressive thanks to a highly animate MC. That guy was really great, being able to link everything to everything else. Above all, he made everyone high. High on laughters. Well there is the neptune revue show, topless dancing and sort but for those who have not watch such performance before, I say you haven't missed anything. Its nothing, really.

Went to alley bar together to join Pang and Thom for some celebration. Opened a bottle of black label and made Pang drink a hell lot. Geez, the though of drinking is beginning to make me feel my stomach again. Went to watch Into the Blue at 2 plus at cine. Throughout the first part of the movie, I was fighting the overdose of alocohol in my stomach. Felt much better after a while. After the movie, it was only 4 plus so we went to the 24hr mac near china black to chat and waste time till the first bus comes.

Got myself an artificial tatoo of a scorpion on my neck. The type that ween tried to fake me with the last time. Though it si quite cool until I realise the paintwork was lacking in skill. Its faded and uneven. Tat. Get myself a genuine one someday. Haha.

On some days when its windy, Zon will seat at the courtyard staring into space. Other students found him peculiar. He is mysterious indeed. I sometimes wonder what goes though his mind during all those times. Few dare to approach him because they found him freaky especially when he starts talking. His voice is always soft, his words are deep and made little sense to the rest. It seems like no one except himself quite understand the logic behind the things he said. Similarly, the papers he published were often treated with nonchalence. His professors knew he was a genius but like they said, Zon's theories are unacceptable by our moral and social standards.

Rainy night

2005-10-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

Without warning, it was raining. I heaved an initial sigh of relieve for being at home and not outside, caught in the rain. Then, the torrents encapsulated me in its beauty. The night was quiet, calm and peacful. The shower added some form of life to it.

My mom kept nagging about the rain splattering in and I was scolded for not closing the window. But I didn't want to, I wanted to marvel at the beauty of nature's tears. Tears? Tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Maybe its human nature that we always remember the negative first. I felt kinda down for a moment, as if something was missing. The soothing rythm of the tit-tat-pitter-patter caught me again. I saw some beautiful moments of my life resurface. At first, I was standing at some void deck. It was pouring and I had came to pick my sister from her tuition class. Of course I had an umbrella with me, but i was standing in the rain, soaked in its enormity. Like magic, I was somewhere else. Running across the road in the heavy rain, sheltering peiting with a file. Time flies but memories remain in our mind, unstolen.

My mom left the room so I slided open the window again for a good view. The wind moistured my face and I could smell the rain. At that very instant, I wanted to share my joy. With anyone. I just wanted to share my joy. Still very much a kid at heart I guess.

When Zen was young, he kept a kitten as pet and named it "Zen's cat" - of all names. Zon didn't quite like the little vermin and laughed at the absurb name. Zen explained he named it this way for good reasons "...you know, animals respond to their name. Not that they know its their name but they respond to words that sound familiar. The next time someone sprout anything foul about it, it will stare..." Its kind of like building pride using conditioning. Thats nothing. Whats really interesting is that after Zen went into a state of coma, Zon kept the cat with him. He never cared more about anyone His world involved almost nothing but himself.Its not like him to pay such attention to a cat. Unless of course, it reminds him of something - someone. I never understood why.

Not like me

2005-10-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

I must say that my stress level has been rising slowly but surely over the past few days. Guess my oncoming driving test attributes alot to this recent uptight feelings. I feel unsecure and low on confidence. Never had I felt this way before. Its not like me to have such low confidence. Secretly, I am telling myself "I don't want to fail". A couple of years back, you will hear me saying "I have every reason to excel".

Driving is one thing. Its the change in attitude and my declining level of confidence with new things that is actually worrying me. Could it be due to the fact that I have become susceptible to negative thoughts? On a more positive note, its good to know whats actually going on up there in my "metaphysical" self. Its shows that, afterall, my emotional defense system is still up.

A few days back, guojun said something about carrying one's feelings by the sleeves. He said it makes one vulnerable to being hurt by others. I told him quite frankly that I don't believe that now. I didn't understand? Quite the opposite. I shared the same mentality some time back. Then I learnt that no one is out to hurt others intentionally. Even if there are such people who are out to prick other's feelings, it has got nothing to do with exposing your emotions to the "public". Its all about resilience and courage. If your mind is frail, you get hurt no matter how deep you try to hide, or protect your emotions with your ego. You will still find it hurting someday. You fail to grow up emotionally because its all sheltered from the wind. Worse, you find it decaying. Then, you realise you have no one to blame for this hurting heart.

It never cease to puzzle me. Why did such a prodigy, master of the mind, fall victim to such mental turmoil. Zon was strong. He had always been the better of the twins, superceeding zen's rational mind with his bizzare logic. How can such a person possibly suffer from mental breakdown. Losing grip of his identity, he argued with himself. Argued with an imaginary twin brother who is not there. He gave zen space to live within himself. Zen survived in him.

Amazingly, he recovered and eventually became stronger as the years passed by. Becoming a puppet master of human emotions and reasons. It seemed that during the 2 years he spent in mental institution, he learnt profoundly important: Emotions are equally powerful as reasons. They compliment each other.

The young one

2005-09-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

Of late, I have not been spending much time at home. Mainly because my schedule have me spending most of my time in camp. Still, I must admit that I hang out till late hours often. On weekdays when I clear my offs, its usually dad mom and I. What about my sister, the young one? I often come home only to find her already asleep. Pulling the blanket from her feet up to her shoulder is about the only form of love I can show.

Amazingly, everytime I am at home, she is in school and vice versa. I can imagine what she does at home when neither me nor my other sis is home. She does her homework, watch some tv, play the violin or just take a nap. She is not quite at the age for hanging out with her group of friends yet. Does she feel lonely and bored sometimes? We all know how terrible it feels, to be at home with nothing much to do and no where to go. Sometimes I wonder, am I neglecting her?
Yes, there are times when I jio her to play games together. Watch movies with her, so on and so forth. But thats not the point. Being the brother of this little angel is a 24/7 thing, its not a once in a while event. I have heard from my female friends, about their secret desire to have an elder brother. Heard about how nice it would be to have someone close to dote on them. Indeed there are many things which I can and ought to be doing. Sms my sisters every now and then, bring them out for breakfast, disturb them a little and the list goes one. Its always the little things that matter. When you try to get close to someone you claim you like or love, you unknowingly sms them daily, create opportunities to spend time together blah blah...things that probably seem even retarded. Ever wondered, why is this lacking when it comes to family members. Do we take them for granted?

Afterall, thoughts remains as thoughts. Its actions that matter.

At the age of 17, Zen was exposed to the idea of evolution and structuring within the animal kingdom. Though he was aquainted with the idea of consciousness at 6 and have been developing theories by the time he was 8, he never saw how emotions tie in closely with the evolution of species. Zen saw how emotions allow certain species to rise above the rest. Zon on the other hand saw how emotions made them fragile. So zon questioned "Remember when we were 6, what drove you to kill our parents when you lost to me in the game, emotions or reasons?"

Of Zen and Zon

2005-09-29T02:05:00.000-07:00

Zen and zon, each and individual beauty. Similar but non-identical. Unique in their respective ways. When Zon stabbed Zen in the church on the fateful day, Zen swore to incarnate within his blood brother's life. In the years that follows, Zon took over his twin brother's name and led a life of mixed identity. He soon lost focus of who he really was. It wasn't a case of split personality that follows. It was a life plagued with emotional decadence and compound reasoning. He led a life so complex few could follow and comprehend. This is a record of his untold saga.